By Johnny Zokovitch
Editor’s note: The following column is a humble attempt at satire.
On Sunday, May 17, House Speaker Mike Johnson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Secretary of Unjust, Illegal Wars Pete Hegseth will headline a nine-hour “prayer festival” on the National Mall, for the purpose of “rededicating America as one nation under God.” The decision to make it a nine-hour event was to honor the nine hours that President Trump has previously spent in prayer: eight hours and 43 minutes on the eve of various sentencing appearances and 17 minutes of asking God to help him remember his children’s names before big holiday dinners. President Trump is set to contribute a video message to the event, conceived as a “National Jubilee of Prayer, Praise and Thanksgiving,” which he previously filmed at the foot of Mount Sinai where he was admiring the golden statue in his likeness before it was shipped to his Miami-area golf club.
The day of prayer and worship is being built around three “pillars,” including the Christian faith of America’s founders (captured in a painting of George Washington – but NOT his pagan horse – genuflecting in the snow on the eve of the Delaware crossing); personal testimonies of how God is healing the nation (please, please, please tell me Kid Rock is included!), and a commitment to renewing America through God’s guidance and grace (Make America Guided Again, or Graced Again, or really both, because neither seem to be the case right now). A toolkit is available for churches in all 50 states whose members couldn’t make it this weekend because all the seats were reserved for the 17 CEOs of multinational corporations (and their entourages) Trump took with him to China on Wednesday.
“Rededicate 250” will also feature a literal Who’s Who? (or Who’s That?) of conservative speakers and performers like Pastor Paula White, senior advisor to the White House Faith Office; evangelist Franklin Graham; author Eric Metaxas; musician Chris Tomlin; and legendary actor Foghorn Leghorn. While the special guest list leans hard to the evangelical side, two Catholic bishops – Cardinal Timothy Dolan, archbishop emeritus of the Archdiocese of New York City and former president of the USCCB, and Bishop Robert Barron of the Diocese of Winona-Rochester (MN) — will also participate, apparently ignorant of the nearly unanimous consensus of their brother bishops criticizing current immigration policies, the war in Iran, cuts to US humanitarian aid to groups like Catholic Relief Services, attacks on Pope Leo, and orange spray tan. (To be fair, “60 Minutes” is pre-empted in New York City and Winona-Rochester by “Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen.“)
In what promises to be a super-charged, totally dope day of prayer and worship, it got me wondering as to what we might expect to hear from the best that America has to offer as examples of discipleship to … to … what was that guy’s name again? No, not him. The other one, with the red baseball cap…
I imagine Pete Hegseth, right now, bingeing Quentin Tarantino films looking for inspiration for that big moment when he’s called on to deliver his own rift on a Psalm promising vengeance on his enemies, his bro-speak cadences leaving no doubt about just how fervently he believes that God is on his side, all historical evidence to the contrary. Quite the flex for the King of Unearned Confidence.
Mike Johnson must have set aside ample time for private bible study in preparation for this weekend, reading, then re-reading, then re-reading again chapter 13 of Paul’s letter to the Romans, in anticipation of having to explain again to Pope Leo about how President Trump’s authority was established by God – just like Paul wrote it up – and what is it about this that Pope Leo doesn’t understand? Do Catholic bibles not include Paul’s letters? Let’s get a House special committee assigned to investigate that.
Pastor Paula White, feeling her Easter comparison of President Trump to Jesus his own self didn’t go quite far enough (“And Mr. President … You were betrayed and arrested and falsely accused. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Or our Lord and Savior. Whatever. What I’m saying is that it’s a familiar pattern.”) decides to go all in when she asks the gathered crowd, “Did you know that ‘Donald’ in Aramaic means ‘Jesus’?”
And I can’t wait to see Dr. Robert Jeffress, Senior Pastor of First Baptist Dallas and one of President Trump’s fiercest defenders, turn out in full doctor regalia: long flowing white robe with red mantle around his shoulders holding a ball of light in one hand.
But seriously, did you hear that Cardinal Dolan and Bishop Barron are gonna be there too? No, really.
Johnny Zokovitch is the former executive director of Pax Christi USA. He currently serves on the board of thePax Christi International Fund for Peace and is in pastoral leadership atSt. Cronan Catholic Church in St. Louis. Read more from Johnny at https://johnnyzokovitch.substack.com/and sign up there to receive his articles directly to your email inbox.